Goodbye my love
by InsanityRulz
Summary: This one shot takes you through Snape's grief when he finds out the death of Lily Potter


**Note:** I wrote this in response to a challenge (from HPFF forums). But it was so long ago, that I lost link of the person who actually challenged me. blush Am trying to figure out who it was. And until then, my deepest apologies :( I'm not sure if it went in accordance with these lines which gave me the plot bunny, given by the challenger again, but this fiction was resultant of it I'll shut up now, enjoy :)

* * *

_I never expected you to love me_  
_The way I loved you_  
_To have you near_  
_Was all _  
_I wanted_  
_Just to have you near_  
_It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself_  
_Where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving_  
_Without you there_  
_And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself_  
_Where the one who loves you keeps on living_  
_Without you there_  
_--Trees Keep Growing-Azure Ray_

* * *

The street lights flickered feebly before dying out. Dark and cold, the grounds emitted a glow of forbearing. A man clothed in mid night black, strolled the streets, his wand held aloft. There was a determined look in his eyes as he traveled across the filthy roads. His eyes, dark marble like, shone with anxiety. A quick turn to the right, he marched on.

"Snape? Is that you?"

He stopped dead on his tracks and turned towards the voice. The white clap of hair was what made his recognize him.

"Lucius."

"Yes. Is it true then? The Dark Lord…"

Snape looked up when the other man stopped. The fright in his voice had surprised him. But Snape couldn't stop now. Whatever it was, it could wait. He had to move, quickly, "I'm unsure as to what you're talking about Lucius." With a shrug he tried to continue his travel.

"Not now Severus. You're being thick." He paused briefly and then seemed to observe the dark haired man, "Were you headed somewhere Severus?"

"Just about. Had to find out…" he trailed off and shook his head, "Running a few errand."

The man, Lucius, stared at his back, bewildered, "You don't know then?"

Severus cast him an impatient look, "I know not of what you speak Lucius. If you'd spare me your cryptic implications and get to the point, I'd greatly appreciate it. You see, I haven't much…time,"

Lost and unsure Lucius nodded, "The Dark Lord…" he took a deep breath and watched as Snape turned around meeting his eyes, "He…I-I heard…but of-of course–"

"–Lucius!" Snape snapped.

"I-he…Dark Lord has fallen."

Snape waited expecting more. But when Lucius didn't speak, he rolled his eyes at the man, "Amusing. Very much so. Now, I have to go."

"No! Wait…I-the Potters!"

Snape turned instantly.

"What about them?" his voice was sharper than he'd have liked.

Lucius looked at Snape suspiciously.

"Are they…dead? What happened at the Potters?"

"I'm not sure myself. None of us are. It couldn't have been long."

"Are you implying that…the Dark Lord was killed by one of the Potters, Lucius?"

"I haven't heard the exact facts. I'm afraid we can't head to Godric Hollow. It is Auror infested."

"But we don't fear the Aurors. _They_ fear us."

"That was then. This is now."

Snape looked at Lucius, disgusted. But even as he spoke, relief flooded his veins. If what Lucius said was true…it'd mean…he tried not to crack smile.

"The Dark Lord couldn't fall. Not against the Potters."

"That is exactly what I thought of. But Peter says the boy must have extraordinary powers. Who knows? The next Dark Lord."

Snape frowned, "The boy?"

"Harry Potter."

"Don't be ridiculous! How can a _boy_? That's a very degrading thing to say. The Dark Lord is invincible. A wizard such as himself couldn't fall at the hands of an infant. You must be mistaken. Maybe it was the Potters."

Snape was nodding to himself even as Lucius cast him a strange look.

"You don't seem to think it's a great feat that the Dark Lord is no more. I have a feeling you're more concerned about the Potters, Snape."

Eyes like steel, Snape looked up. He knew he'd spoken too much. With a glare directed at the other man Snape spoke, "Lucius, I don't think I've accepted the Dark Lord's…demise. I'm sure you were misinformed. I must see for myself."

Lucius regarded him with shrewd eyes as he steadily breathed in the cold air. Finally, after what felt like ages, he nodded and seemed to accept Snape's justification, "You're right. There must be some mistake. Peter…he was never reliable. Let us go."

"Us? Where to?"

"Godric Hollow of course!"

"I don't think that is wise. Listen…I think you must alert the others. I'll head to the Potters and find out and get back to you. You hear?"

"But–"

"It's for the best Lucius."

Lucius hesitated before nodding, "I'll see you then."

"Soon."

* * *

Heart thumping, Snape headed towards their house. What would she say if she knew? That he'd begged the Dark Lord to spare her life? A vision of her blazing emerald eyes flashed before him and he smiled. How he yearned to see her…even if she'd hate to see him. The smell of her filled his senses as he envisaged her fiery red hair and smoldering green eyes.

She'd chosen her path as had he. Yet…he couldn't let her go. Often, it shamed him that a woman could bring him to his knees. But she wasn't just any woman. She was Lily Evans. He remembered the countless occasions when a hint of tear in her eyes had made him a puddle of guilt. Everything about her drove him frenzy as he slowly began to lose his sanity. Her anger, her smile, her adoration…

He sobered at the knowledge that she wouldn't shower him with adoration, nor would her eyes light up at the sight of him. But with every beat of his traitorous heart, he loved her more. And he'd negotiated her life. Now, she was well. The joy it brought him was immense. He needn't have gone to Dumbledore at all. With a blinding smile he walked past the cemetery. Careful now, afraid of being caught, Snape glided seeking the dark to provide him the cover.

Would she ever know? Of how much he'd loved her? Cared for her? She probably didn't know. It hurt him. But it pleased him to know he could conceal. That way, it would be easier for her to hate him. But did he want to her to hate him? James Potter wasn't worth it. Yet, he was the lucky bastard. But if the Dark Lord had killed him…

A small smirk formed on his face. That would change the entire situation. He could woo her back to him. But he was alive, wasn't he? Sighing, Snape walked the last few steps determined to at least let her know that he still cared. He searched for any hint of Aurors. Contrary to what Lucius, there didn't seem to be anyone in the vicinity. What if he had been wrong? Fear rippled his body and he broke into cold sweat.

The scene that met him blew him. Dread filled his veins as he edged closer. The house seemed to be rubble. Blackened and dead looking, the place wasn't a pretty sight.

_They must have left_, he thought trying to convince himself. Even as he stood thinking a huge bear like man emerged holding something in his hands. He seemed to be sobbing. Snape frowned as he edged closer, well concealed.

The huge man, whom Snape recognized to be Hagrid, was mumbling something. A few words reached Snape's ears. But none of them seemed to make sense. Where was Lily? His eyes scanned expecting to see a grieving Lily walk out.

He waited.

A few seconds passed before he saw the giant haul a bike. Suddenly, the infant began to wail.

"Oh, oh, Harry. Don' cry. Yer mother…" he paused to let out a wail, "Shh."

And he suddenly knew. The ground reeled and he fought to keep his balance. Gripping his wand tightly, he watched with blurred vision as Hagrid flew into the sky. He stared until all he could see was a miniscule dot of them.

Tears trickled down his cheeks as he turned to leave. She was gone…

Oh Merlin.

He wouldn't see the innocence of her eyes or hear the gentle breeze like laughter of hers. There would be no Lily Evans. She wouldn't look down upon him even. There wouldn't be any more fiery argument. Oh he wouldn't be able to hear the voice that soothed him better than the most heavenly of music.

He wished he could see her just one last time…even if it was in James Potter's arms…

Memories flooded and he was finding it hard to breathe. Every breath brought a physical pain so acute. It felt like shreds of glasses were being etched into his soul.

"Lily…oh Lily…"

She would never know how much he loved her. There had been so many times he wanted to tell her how sorry he was for deserting her and choosing the path he had. If only he could reverse the time…_he_ could die…any day. It would've been better if it was _him_ who'd died.

He apparated and reached the deserted park. Falling to ground like a messy heap, he touched the grass sobbing. The angry winds shook the swing which seemed to mock him. And then…he saw her happy young face, laughing as she swung forwards and backwards. His eyes followed her as she soared higher and higher...

"Lily…don't."

Like a man who'd lost his legs, he crawled towards her. If he reached fast enough, he could stop before she fell. He knew she would fall.

And then she was screaming.

"Sev…Severus…you killed me!"

"No, no, no, no…Lily…I love you…"

The young face disappeared to be replaced by an older Lily casting him a scornful look, "I hate you."

He reached forward to reach her and his hand met the emptiness. Rain poured down drenching him. Tears mixed with the rains as he grabbed at the swing. He was convinced that if he could keep touching it, she'd return. There was no way he could live without her. Maybe she had a life of her own, a husband and a child…but _she_ was his life.

"I'm sorry Lily. I didn't…I-I wish it was me. Please…let it be me. Come back to me…"

There was a clap of thunder as the lone man sat sobbing for the love lost forever. Eyes cast upward, all he saw was her.

Her tender smile.

Those curious eyes.

The shade of pink in those cheeks.

The lustrous hair.

The concern etched face.

And then her shocked expression as the Dark Lord savagely killed her.

A guttural cry escaped his throat, so alien, so sorrowful. The skies seemed to grieve along as they incessantly poured on. With a blind swirl, Snape disappeared.

* * *

He swayed slightly as the castle swam before his eyes. What was he doing here? The old man had not kept his word! Lily…Lily was gone…

Wiping his face ferociously, Snape walked inside the very familiar Hogwarts. Everywhere he looked, he could see her. Memories of them, years ago, as they'd walked the very same hall.

"Sev, are you sure there isn't any test? You said…" a very young and trembling Lily walked past him along with a younger Severus, who was smiling at her reassuringly.

"Yes Lily…the sorting hat…"

Snape turned away and walked on.

Voices echoed everywhere he went and he hurried. They assaulted him like a nightmare, mocking him. He barely knew where his feet carried him and before long, he stood in front of the gargoyle. Anger filled his veins as he remembered that the old man hadn't kept his promise. He was supposed to keep her safe.

Grief stricken he stood outside helplessly. What would this visit bring him? Nothing. With another howl he turned to leave even as the gargoyle moved and down came Dumbledore, calm and composed.

"Severus!"

"You…you said…you _promised_…"

Dumbledore frowned as he watched the man, cold, shivering and distraught.

"She's _gone_. You didn't…"

He was sobbing now, the fight and anger disappearing out of his body. Stumbling and supporting himself against the wall he cried.

"Come Severus."

"I'm leaving! You…I trusted you!"

Everything seemed to happen so fast after that. In the blink of an eye, Snape was seated in the Headmaster's room. Words were tumbling out of his mouth, none decipherable. He cried, wailed, screamed as he sat there. Life…he didn't want to live.

"Severus…I understand–"

"No! You…you DON'T! I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…"

Emptiness filled him as he wished to disappear.

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," Dumbledore said. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

The mockery in his voice shamed Snape. His breathing was becoming increasingly difficult. There was only one way…he must kill himself. There wasn't any other option. In his musings, Snape almost didn't hear Dumbledore's next words. He looked up sharply.

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"

"DON'T!" bellowed Snape. What was Dumbledore doing? Did he know how it felt? Why was he torturing him? Lily…oh Lily…

"Is this remorse, Severus?"

"I wish…I wish I were dead…"

He sobbed clutching at his head.

"And what use would that be to anyone? If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."

What was the old man talking about? Lily…Lily was dead. There was no way forward. There was only…end. He looked up at Dumbledore and tried to understand what he was saying. He didn't want to live…he couldn't live. Not with the guilt. Not without _her_.

"What – what do you mean?"

"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son.'

The old man had lost it. Son? Lily's son?

"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone–"

"–the Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."

Lily's son…he would protect him. Emerald eyes like his mothers…Slowly, with a sense of purpose Snape drew himself to his full height. Breathing heavily he nodded, "Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…" he shuddered before continuing, "especially Potter's son…I want your word!"

He was desperate like a wounded animal caught up in a nightmare. If Potter's son knew…no, no, no.

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore let out a sigh and continued, "If you insist…"

"Thank you."

As he rose to leave the headmasters side, the pain still fresh, he wondered despairingly if anything he did could make up for the loss of Lily. She would never be back.

"Severus?" Dumbledore called at the hesitation evident all over the man's face.

"I-I…Good bye."

And he fled. Fled away from the office, away from the calm looking man, away from the normalcy…to sink into his unbearable sorrow, for a long, long time. He had to now let her go.

_It is time to bade you Good-bye my love._

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hope you enjoyed it. Please _do_ review. It'll make my day. And it wouldn't taken you more than 2 minutes.


End file.
